The closer it gets......

It is 8 days from your 4 year Angelversary and it is never easy no matter how many years pass since I lost you. I dread everyday cuz it is one day closer to remembering the worst day of my life. When we heard "I'm sorry I'm not seeing a heart beat" those words will forever be burnt into my brain and then having to put on a fake smile to cover my pain.

I want you to know ur lil brother has been such a blessing and has helped me so much. He truly has been my rainbow after the storm. I also want you to know no matter how much I am so grateful and love ur lil brother you will always be my baby and I love you so much and miss you everyday of my life. There is not a day that goes by I don't think of you and wish you were here with your brothers.

I love you my Sweet Pea and hold you in my heart everyday. As long as I live you will live. <3 xoxoxo love, mommy

Ask My Mom How She Is

Another beautiful Poem

My mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm Alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?

Ask my mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm coping,"
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get here, Mom,
With all those lies you told!"

Just some thoughts

So I hate it when people tell me "atleast you have Jaxen now" like it is going to make me forget or get over losing my SweetPea..I also get the "are you gonna try for a girl?" ok uh NO I have 4 boys that I adore & I feel like my Angel was a girl cuz I had 3 healthy boys b4 her & 1 after so to me SweetPea was a girl & instead of risking another miscarriage just in case I can't carry girls I am fine & happy with my boys..but Thanks for asking..ugh..

Ok onto other things now that I got that off my chest..lol..I feel like I am a lil obsessed with buying whatever I can to remind me of my SweetPea whether it be jewelry or just lil keepsakes for her memory box I seem like it will never be enough..I sadly only have 1 pic of her & it was an ultrasound 2 days b4 she died so she was so lil being only 7 weeks so I feel like I need things "for" her..I know weird, maybe one day I will think ok thats enough but I doubt it..lol...

Has anyone else ever felt this way? Do you think enough will ever be enough?

You were my little bean,
that was created in my womb.
I laid in bed at night excited,
and now I'm full of gloom.
I never understood how much
you could miss someone you never met.
And now my heart aches so bad,
that it fills me with regret.
Was there something I did wrong?
How could this come to be?
Your little face, your hands, your feet,
is something I'll never see.
I loved you oh so much,
its something that cannot be explained.
Now these feelings of anger and jealousy,
make me feel ashamed.
You are my angel baby,
and that I know is true.
God is holding you now,
and listening to you cue.
You are in Heaven looking down,
watching mommy cry.
I wish you were here,
but then I know that this is not goodbye.
~Copyright Sarah Twigg

Just Those Few Weeks

For just those few weeks I had you to myself. And that seems too short a time to be changed so profoundly. In those few weeks, I came to know you... and to love you. You came to trust me with your life. Oh what a life I had planned for you! Just those few weeks... when I lost you, i lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams and aspirations. A slice of my future simply vanished overnight. Just those few weeks... It wasn't enough time to convince others how special and important you were. How odd, a truly unique person has recently died and no one is mourning the passing. Just a mere few weeks.. And no "normal" person would cry all night Over a tiny unfinished baby, or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day. No one would, so why am I?? You were just those few weeks, my little one. You darted in and out of my life too quickly. But it seems that's all the time you needed to make my life richer and to give me a small glimpse of eternity. ~S. Erling

Angel of my Tears

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

So we have chosen a name

Since we didn't know the sex of the baby I was feeling so conflicted with what to choose so we have agreed On Sweetpea & it feels wonderful to give the baby a name..My 4 living sons have a nickname we call them so it seems fitting to give our angel a nickname as well..It eases my heart to have a name for our Angel & now just to start on Sweetpea's garden, I want a place I can go to cry or just feel close to Sweetpea..& FYI: I still feel in my heart the baby was a girl ;-)

Another Beautiful Poem

Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown~

naming my Angel

I am feeling a lil conflicted..I miscarried at 7 weeks so I don't know the sex of my baby but I would like to give him/her a name, so I used the chinese birth calendar to see what it could have possibly been & it said girl which makes sense to me since I have carried 4 boys without problems including my rainbow..now my conflict..if it was a boy instead I don't want to give it a girl name & i don't want to say I lost a daughter & people be like I just wanted a girl so badly that I am just claiming to lose a girl. what would you do?

The Duggar Family - Michelle's Blog - The Importance of Grieving After a Miscarriage

A wonderful blog by Michelle Dugger explaining how she grieves for her daughter


The Duggar Family - Michelle's Blog - The Importance of Grieving After a Miscarriage

It all came flooding back

So I watched the episode of 19 kids & counting last night. It was the episode where they found out they lost their 20th child & did the memorial for her. Regardless of how u feel about the Duggers my heart broke for them cuz I know how they feel & how they felt the moment they found out their baby no longer had a heartbeat. It took me back to that day I found out my baby no longer had a heart beat & I couldn't hold back my sadness & tears.It is good to cry for my baby once in a while cuz I miss him/her so much even though I have 4 beautiful boys, including my rainbow, it doesn't change the fact that I lost a child..There was a woman who posted a blog stating that a miscarriage is not the loss of a baby but the loss of an idea of a baby but to me that is ridiculousness cuz as soon as I find out i'm pregnant I love my "baby" and address it as "the baby" til I know the sex then I call it by it's name..Of course losing a living child you have been raising is nothing like a miscarriage but to try to diminish the grief is cruel.

I do wish I had the blessing of holding my child like the Duggers did, to know whether it was a boy or girl but at 7 weeks their really is nothing to hold, or I should say hard to find to hold..

I had a dream just b4 I miscarried, where I was holding a deformed baby & then I looked up the baby was gone but their was a man carrying away a beautiful curly haired, blue eyed lil girl waving to me with a smile on her face & I was reaching for her but then she was gone..I want to think that was Gods way of telling me that my child would be better off in Heaven then here & showed me how Happy & beautiful she is & her waving to me was a way to tell me she is happy & Healthy in Heaven and that she wasn't afraid, so that's helps me a lil bit & also to know I WILL see my child again some day & that when I go to Heaven I will never feel that pain of losing him/her again.