Thursday, April 5, 2012

It all came flooding back

So I watched the episode of 19 kids & counting last night. It was the episode where they found out they lost their 20th child & did the memorial for her. Regardless of how u feel about the Duggers my heart broke for them cuz I know how they feel & how they felt the moment they found out their baby no longer had a heartbeat. It took me back to that day I found out my baby no longer had a heart beat & I couldn't hold back my sadness & tears.It is good to cry for my baby once in a while cuz I miss him/her so much even though I have 4 beautiful boys, including my rainbow, it doesn't change the fact that I lost a child..There was a woman who posted a blog stating that a miscarriage is not the loss of a baby but the loss of an idea of a baby but to me that is ridiculousness cuz as soon as I find out i'm pregnant I love my "baby" and address it as "the baby" til I know the sex then I call it by it's name..Of course losing a living child you have been raising is nothing like a miscarriage but to try to diminish the grief is cruel.

I do wish I had the blessing of holding my child like the Duggers did, to know whether it was a boy or girl but at 7 weeks their really is nothing to hold, or I should say hard to find to hold..

I had a dream just b4 I miscarried, where I was holding a deformed baby & then I looked up the baby was gone but their was a man carrying away a beautiful curly haired, blue eyed lil girl waving to me with a smile on her face & I was reaching for her but then she was gone..I want to think that was Gods way of telling me that my child would be better off in Heaven then here & showed me how Happy & beautiful she is & her waving to me was a way to tell me she is happy & Healthy in Heaven and that she wasn't afraid, so that's helps me a lil bit & also to know I WILL see my child again some day & that when I go to Heaven I will never feel that pain of losing him/her again.


Debby@Just Breathe said...

I watched their show and it was so emotional. When I had heard about the miscarriage I sent them a handkerchief. Wasn't sure if they got it but last week I received a hand written post card from them thanking me for my gift.

Your dream was amazing and I am sure your baby is with God in Heaven and that he sent you the message.((HUGS))

Jamie C. said...

what you do is so wonderful..people don't understand why the little things like hanker chiefs or bracelets, or bears are so important but for someone like me that never got to see or hold my child they mean alot..anything that reminds me of my baby help me to heal & thankfully I was lucky enough to get an ultrasound before my baby died.

Thank you ((Hugs))

Trennia said...

What a precious dream the Lord gave you.
Debby told me about your blog and I want you to know I am a blm too.I am here if you need anything (((hugs)))

Jamie C. said...

Thank you soo much