It all came flooding back

So I watched the episode of 19 kids & counting last night. It was the episode where they found out they lost their 20th child & did the memorial for her. Regardless of how u feel about the Duggers my heart broke for them cuz I know how they feel & how they felt the moment they found out their baby no longer had a heartbeat. It took me back to that day I found out my baby no longer had a heart beat & I couldn't hold back my sadness & tears.It is good to cry for my baby once in a while cuz I miss him/her so much even though I have 4 beautiful boys, including my rainbow, it doesn't change the fact that I lost a child..There was a woman who posted a blog stating that a miscarriage is not the loss of a baby but the loss of an idea of a baby but to me that is ridiculousness cuz as soon as I find out i'm pregnant I love my "baby" and address it as "the baby" til I know the sex then I call it by it's name..Of course losing a living child you have been raising is nothing like a miscarriage but to try to diminish the grief is cruel.

I do wish I had the blessing of holding my child like the Duggers did, to know whether it was a boy or girl but at 7 weeks their really is nothing to hold, or I should say hard to find to hold..

I had a dream just b4 I miscarried, where I was holding a deformed baby & then I looked up the baby was gone but their was a man carrying away a beautiful curly haired, blue eyed lil girl waving to me with a smile on her face & I was reaching for her but then she was gone..I want to think that was Gods way of telling me that my child would be better off in Heaven then here & showed me how Happy & beautiful she is & her waving to me was a way to tell me she is happy & Healthy in Heaven and that she wasn't afraid, so that's helps me a lil bit & also to know I WILL see my child again some day & that when I go to Heaven I will never feel that pain of losing him/her again.